Tuesday, 10 October 2017


Hello, today is Mental Health Awareness Day. My story is a mere fraction of what some people go through I’m sure, but even so. I guess the message, is to always be mindful. 

I am going to try and keep this short. 

Short for me anyway.

Side note: sorry I haven’t blogged in a while.

I will admit I am not your average Social Anxiety sufferer. 

I do not find meeting new people a challenge. I do not find speaking in public nerve wracking. My confidence is actually something I like about myself. More to the point, my overall problem does not stem from the fear of the new and the unknown, but more the old and the known. 

I do not care about the opinion of someone i’ve just met, but I find the opinion of someone I know all together quite mind numbing.

If you’ve ever found yourself telling yourself the less you spend with someone the more chance they’ll have of liking you, then you most probably suffer from some form of social aniexty too.

I won’t bore you with the ins out outs of my childhood friendships. Luckily, no long standing bullying was involved but children, and well people in general just tend to be quite mean. I guess if you’re lucky it’s something most people grow out of and find their way into a friendship group. 

However, this was not the case. I did have some wonderful friends during my later school years but even then I found myself feeling more of an associate that they sometimes liked rather than a true friend. I had no idea how to maintain a friendship with someone and rather than try to please people all the time because I couldn’t think of anything worse than being scared into doing so, I shyed away.

The group of friends I found at college were fab but even then I was always too scared to be my full self with them. I just never trusted that anyone would fully understand me, that if they knew too much, there would be judgment etc and in doing so, I shyed away. Not to mention these girls had all been friends for years and I was the newbie and I was very aware of this. Being a tag along just became my thing.

If you can associate yourself with any of the above then the reason you probably can is because of certain kind of “friends”  that have come and gone (luckily). 

1) The Bitch - The FIRST to be your best friend of the group in the midst of bitching about you to everyone else. Just general snakey behaviour. A friendship with this kind of person never ends well. You either say nothing and exclude yourself from the group or you say something and the group believing the bitch is the nicest person on earth, excludes you. Best believe everyone has that one person who they know is vile but no one else can see it. 
2) The Weak One - This person does genuinely like you but unfortunately has probably known the bitch longer and is usually too scared to stand up for themselves or you out of fear of group exclusion. A weak person will usually hurt you the most because you actually like them the most and know that you can never truly be friends if they do not have your back. 

3) The Jealous One - Bitch beware of the jealous side eye if god forbid anyone ever pays you a compliment. Noticeable copying of hairstyles, clothing etc whilst not being very kind behind your back. This person will talk about you to your peers to try and steer the opinions of others, especially if you’re well liked in the group. 

4) The Shy One - You are more than likely the only reason the group acknowledge them in the first place. And whilst they moaned about them saying they needed to “speak up”, you were patient and invited her out with you all to make sure she was okay. Again though, this person will be weak. 

5) The Manager - Someone usually facing some sort of midlife crisis who needs a personality transplant. The little bit of power they have over people who work under them will cause major arguments or fall outs. This will make your job difficult. 

6) The Person You Don’t Know but knows you - “Last night Carol said that you..” Sorry who the fuck is Carol?”

7) The I Don’t Care - This person lives in la la land and is inevitably quite selfish. 

8) The Actual Friend - You’re amazing, I love you. However at some point I fear of some sort of disagreement which instead of growing from as a friendship, you just won’t want to be my friend at all. 

I mean we could all categorise everyone. But essentially a fear of even coming in to contact with these people, or having some sort of confrontation just pushes me away from most long standing connections. 

Your Birthday, I’ll be there. Christmas Party, I’ll be there. The few and far between is sometimes just too much for me. The amount of times I have got ready to do something, and 5 minutes later just ended up back in bed. Low and behold on the occasions where I do really push myself to do something, someone will let me down.

If I have ever appeared distant then I guess the worst friend I had, was myself. Overthinking and letting things like Social Aniexty control you will become your worst enemy. Not only that, it’s something that you can never walk away from physically. 

So, on Mental Health Awareness Day I pledge allegiance to walk away mentally from my Social Anxiety in the way that I can physically walk away from a bad friend. 

Whatever your situation, what ever you are going through, I hope that you are on a journey to finding the answer or the solution. Remember that your are fabulous whether within a group or not and believe that everything happens for a reason.

I know I said I was going to keep this short, 

but I lied.